North Idaho Wolfman
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L3450DT-GST, Woods FEL, B7100 HSD, FEL, 60" SB, 743 Bobcat with V2203, and more
Daily Chuckle
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Daren Todd
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Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Our wives think a likeHere another helpful child rearing tip, courtesy of my wife!
My wife was the one who sent me the parenting tips. Nothing like coming up with creative ways to torture and embarrass your kids True Story, We lived in an apartment for a bit till we bought our current house. Used to fight with our daughter quite a bit over leaving all the lights on through out the place in the middle of the night. Fought for weeks on end till I realized the breaker box was in our bedroom
Woke up about 1 am and all the lights were left on again on a weekend. Could hear our daughter still up, watching TV in her bedroom. Wife see's me at the breaker boxes. Found the two breakers for that half of the apartment and shut them off
All we hear is cussing coming from the other side of the apartment
apparently it was a pretty good show Wife had her face buried in a pillow so our daughter didn't hear her laughing. Took our daughter months before she realized what was going on Better place your order while supply lasts.
This Store Is Selling Gold-Plated Trump iPhones for $151,000
This Store Is Selling Gold-Plated Trump iPhones for $151,000
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're finally paying their own way."
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're finally paying their own way."
I heard a joke very similar that was a conversation between an elderly married couple sitting on the porch.dat yous skeets
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
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B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
I'm really sorry to hear that you and your wife are too old to sit in the Porche. I'll be glad to take it off your hands.
armylifer
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Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
armylifer
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
I wondered how long it would take someone to comment on that malaprop.
Newlyme
Active member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 w/loader, finish mower, tiller, auger, rake. BX24 w/loader, backhoe
What a year 2016 has been for Cleveland sports fans.
If you want a ticket to a Cavaliers game it will cost you your first born child.
Cleveland Indians ticket $1,000.00
Browns ticket, 7 Taco Bell wrappers.
Go Browns....Anywhere!
If you want a ticket to a Cavaliers game it will cost you your first born child.
Cleveland Indians ticket $1,000.00
Browns ticket, 7 Taco Bell wrappers.
Go Browns....Anywhere!
just read some jokes I figured I better send them along
While golfing, a man accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." He noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it!" "Oh, come on now," she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have to praise God!. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and her voice dropped to a whisper, his scrotum was completely crushed!
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him!!" Many of the women winced and you could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the ultimate pain that only a man could truly appreciate.
She continued: "Jim was unable to Hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's Scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the women looked down and the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
The women started to look back up and almost all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Dorothy’s husband, Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
While golfing, a man accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." He noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it!" "Oh, come on now," she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have to praise God!. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and her voice dropped to a whisper, his scrotum was completely crushed!
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him!!" Many of the women winced and you could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the ultimate pain that only a man could truly appreciate.
She continued: "Jim was unable to Hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's Scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the women looked down and the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
The women started to look back up and almost all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Dorothy’s husband, Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
85Hokie
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX-25D ,PTB. Under Armor, '90&'92-B7100HST's, '06 BX1850 FEL
I had to read it four times - each time I was laughing so hard that I could not find the correct paragraph again.....Dayum!!!!!! Skeets.
It took me 30 minutes to read that I was laughing and crying so hard.
I would not want to see that ......even for the burglar! I would just rather shoot him! I think it would be a lot less mess and no dead grass!
Skeets.....tell me that it reaaaaalllly did not happen to you!
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
If yang got a fence like that. Then you need a camera on it as well. That would be a video for YouTubeI had to read it four times - each time I was laughing so hard that I could not find the correct paragraph again.....
I would not want to see that ......even for the burglar! I would just rather shoot him! I think it would be a lot less mess and no dead grass!
Skeets.....tell me that it reaaaaalllly did not happen to you!
