Daily Chuckle

[i7win7]

Who ordered the truck load of helium?

 

[i7win7]

When did volleyball become a contact sport?

 

[Magicman]

 

[Magicman]

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[Magicman]

Wonder what that brown spot on the jeans is ???

 

[i7win7]

Is she telling lies or on the level?

 

[i7win7]

I'm sensing a little road rage

 

[i7win7]

Maybe it's an old fart thing

But I sure do miss hot pants

 

[Magicman]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl Said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after. He rode Motorcycles and went Fishing and Hunting and Played Golf a lot and Drank Beer and Scotch and had tons of Money in the bank and left the Toilet seat up and Farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

[skeets]

Is she telling lies or on the level?
View attachment 60751

Wonder if she is onthe square too ?

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[Magicman]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bowtie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me ?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much....'

 

[Magicman]

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was pleasure?"

A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An Ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

 

[Magicman]

Water Conservation:

OK, say there are 100 million men in the US and every time we pee and flush, that is 300 million gallons of water gone to the sewer.

So if we all pee in the yard, that is 300 million gallons of water saved, each time.

So to conserve water I started standing on the porch and peeing in the yard. "She" said that I had to stop, so I stood in the yard and peed on the porch. I thought that I was being obedient, but apparently something was wrong with that?? I just wanna do my Patriotic Duty and help save the world.

 

[i7win7]

Did you hear about the 2 gay Irish men?

Patrick fitzHenry and Henry fitzPatrick

 

[i7win7]

Be afraid, be very afraid