Daily Chuckle

[skeets]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

 

[Orangeglow]

A guy goes into a bar and meets a woman in her 60s who's still looking very good. They go to her place. She asks him "Have you ever done a mother-daughter three way?". The guy thinks "If she looks this good, her daughter must be fantastic!". So he says he'd love to try it. Then she yells "Hey, Mom! Are you still awake?".

 

[Orangeglow]

A guy checks into a hotel with his wife while on a trip, just for an overnight stay.

Next morning he goes to the desk to pay, the clerk hands him a bill for $600.
"What's this ?" he says, "I just stayed the one night."

"Yes," said the clerk, "but the room price includes the swimming pool, the workout room, the hot tub, a fully stocked mini bar and big screen TV, as well as valet parking".

"But I didn't use a single bit of that," said the guy. "All we did was sleep."

"I understand," said the clerk, "but it was all available for you."
The guy mumbles a little as he writes a check and hands it to the clerk. The clerk looks at the check and says, "Sir, this check is only for $100; the bill is $600."

"I know," said the guy, "but I'm charging you $500 for $crewing my wife."

"But I didn't $crew your wife," said the clerk.

"I understand," said the guy, "but you could have, she was available."

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[bearbait]

View attachment 49228

Lol, been called worst

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[armylifer]

The Glock and generator seem to be required by my way of thinking.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[bearbait]

View attachment 49272

Sure beats the X siting there.

 

[Daren Todd]

Sure beats the X siting there.

I had a crazy ex stalker for a while Emphasis on the Crazy. She was 5'1 versus my 6'1 and I would gladly deal with a croc over her any day

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[bearbait]

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM,
SO HERE ARE ALL OF THE ANSWERS IN ONE RECAP.

YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING BIDEN T-SHIRTS...
4 PEOPLE WEARING KAMALA HARRIS T-SHIRTS...
2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...

9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR BUTT CRACK.
AND, 2 AMERICAN FLAG BURNERS...

SO, FOR THE LAST TIME
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE

AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD taste out of his mouth

 

[Magicman]

It was still raining this morning after Hurricane Delta....

So da waking up Rooster needed his boots.

 

[Orangeglow]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[Magicman]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

[Magicman]

For Sale: New parachute, used only once, never opened.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[DaTow'd]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.