Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

So a married couple in their eighties go into a restaurant for dinner. The waiter comes to the table brings some water and announces that he will take their order when they are ready. The elderly lady turns to her husband and asks in a loud voice" what'd he say?". the elderly man says in a very loud voice "he said he'll take our order". The waiter comes back to take the order and ask where they are from. The old gal, again in a loud voice asks "what'd he say?". The old man replies loudly "He wants to know where we are from." The old man then said to the waiter that they are from Wisconsin. The waiter chuckles a bit and says "I had an old girlfriend from Wisconsin." then winks to the old man and said "but she wasn't very good in bed." The old gal pipes up again and asks "What'd he say?". The old gentleman shakes his head and says in a loud voice "he said he thinks he knows you!".

 

[wgator]

Ordered this security system for the wife's and kids cars for Christmas gifts.

 

[Magicman]

“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”

 

[Orangeglow]

I was in Walmart using the damn restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed... I said, “I’m alright!!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?”
I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I hear, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

 

[bearbait]

I was in Walmart using the damn restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed... I said, “I’m alright!!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?”
I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I hear, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

Now that's funny!!!!

 

[Magicman]

Wonder which stall the real idiot was in??

 

[Magicman]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages I can haul something over to that outbuilding that you can't haul back."
"You're on old man" the braggart replied, "Let's see what you got."
The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles then, nodding to the young man he said; "alright, get in."

 

[bearbait]

Ya just never know

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

But, but bu....... how did they know that you were a woman??

 

[RCW]

View attachment 49756

Having been in the sub shop business 176 years ago (+/- a year or two), I knew exactly what that said....

Our folks wrote on the wraps just like that.

 

[Daren Todd]

But, but bu....... how did they know that you were a woman??

They did mention drive thru. What I thought was really funny was she didn't deny that fact. Just the fact they wrote it on her sub

 

[Magicman]

Celebrating an event

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago."

 

[NHSleddog]

Just a funny thing at dinner the other night.

I was eating dinner with two of my sons and was complaining about my neck being sore from looking back and down all day at the rake while doing a driveway.

My youngest ripostes "You would think the eyes in the back of your head would help with that".

After we all laughed a minute I informed him that the sight goes bad in the front and back at the same time.

Hitting on all cylinders, my oldest replies "what, the thinning hair doesn't compensate for it?."

Odd that the two comedians choose different fields to go into - lol.

 

[Newlyme]

A women decided she wanted to have a steak dinner smothered in mushrooms for about fifteen or sixteen people but she didn’t want to pay that awful price at the supermarket for mushrooms. Her husband heard about it and said “why don’t you go behind the barn there’s a ton of mushrooms back there and try those.“ She says “are they any good?” He says “I don’t know but you should at least try them anyway“. So she goes behind the barn gathers up a bunch and cooks them up for her dog Spot, all covered in bacon grease and everything else. Well Spot ate it all up. She says great! He loved it! So she goes back and gathers up the rest of the mushrooms and cooks up the steak dinners smothered in her fresh mushrooms for all of her friends. Just about half way through the dinner the maid rushes in and screams “Spots dead!” The woman yells, “Oh my god, call a doctor!“ The doctor rushes over and pumped everyone’s stomach. When he was just about finished with the last one the maid came back in again and said, “you know something, that truck that hit spot didn’t even stop.”

 

[Magicman]

Keeping warm

A young farm couple purchased an century-old farmstead from a retired farmer and his family. Winter was fast approaching and the young couple was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the man confidently declared.

One winter night, the temperature plunged to below zero, and the young pair woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. The husband called the retired farmer to ask how they had kept the house warm during sub-zero nights like these. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "They've gone to Florida for the winter."

 

[Orangeglow]

While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[bearbait]