Daily Chuckle

[ShaunBlake]

While on the subject of dogs... https://youtu.be/Cv1s_e34P6k

ROFL

Priceless!

 

[ShaunBlake]

I'm in trubble n need ta GRAPPLE wif it

Okay, brothers and sister, I've done it again, and the yolk is on me (refer to Luke 14:28-29 "Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion?
Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him."

Which seems to me to fit into the Daily Chuckle category...

Folks, I got the cart way out in front of the horse on this one. Here's the "backstory": I learned that I couldn't save my trees, so hired an arborist to take them down so I could landscae my back yard.

I carefully calculated the cost of the tree removal, and concluded that I could afford this project if I just had the trees dropped -- the arborist doing no more trimming than necessary to safely put them down; rent a big chipper to chew up the limbs and twigs; and use the trunks for lumber or firewood. My little B6100 has been a trooper at dragging felled trees, so I was confident that we had a Plan. Tell the arborist to Go for the Gold!

Reality Sets In: The canopies of the trees in my back yard prevented you from looking up into the tallest trees without wandering around up and down the yard, looking for a clear line of sight. That canopy is now on the ground (as are the trunks). Looking across my back yard now, it looks like I'm growing a lawn five to eight feet thick, of branches and leaves. My little B219 bucket is impotent trying to pick any of this mess up. It can push it a bit, but can't move it -- like close enough to feed a chipper...

The light went on (illuminating the need for a grapple) the day AFTER the canopy had been lowered to ground level.

So, live and learn...or not! <sigh>

 

[85Hokie]

While on the subject of dogs... https://youtu.be/Cv1s_e34P6k

One of the funniest men of his time ......great stories!

 

[Daren Todd]

ShaunBlake, I feel your pain when we bought the house we are in now, there was a 40" round by 80 ft tall oak right tight to the corner of the garage. The roots were cracking the slab in front of the garage and actually lifted it 6" Had to come down before it cracked the slab for the house. We had a dish company come out to see about hooking up service for the tv. Had the one by the garage and another one about twenty feet away, the same size that needed to come down in order to be able to get signal. Had a tree service with a crane truck come out and take the two trees down. They called me at work and asked if I would mind if they took two others down to get it out of the way. They were having trouble getting in with the bucket truck. Said they would throw those in for free They did the same and just got them on the ground. My front yard was a solid pile of tree and limbs about fifteen feet tall sixty foot wide. No tractor, trailer, or anything. My wife, one of the boys, and I spent two weeks clearing and cutting the pile. The boy disapeared after the second day and didn't come back home till the pile was gone. I think he was coming by and checking while we were at work all the smaller stuff got cut up and thrown into the back of the truck and hauled out back for fire wood and stacked along the fence. The brush got dragged out back, piled and burned off. And the 40" chunks were cut down into 6' pieces and dragged out back with the truck and dealt with later It was real interesting cutting 40" tree with an 18" saw all said and done, we had almost 10 heavy chords of fire wood stacked along the fence. That wasn't counting the stuff we let other folks haul off I learned my lesson, one of the mature oaks here is my limit at a time

This will give you an idea of the size next to garage

Full sized cinder block to give a scale

 

[Diydave]

sounds like somebody needs the services of James... https://youtu.be/7oCDcTxFUkk

James is to tree cutting, as barack is to the presidency...

 

[Daren Todd]

Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.

 

[Daren Todd]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

 

[Daren Todd]

Have you ever wondered?

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If an ambulance is on it's way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
How do you handcuff a one armed man?
Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant even if your car is on fire?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
Why is it everyone driving faster then you is considered an idiot, and every one going slower is a moron?
Why doesn't the fattest man on earth become a hockey goalie?
Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?
If glass blowers inhale, do they get a pain in the stomach?
Why do they sterilize lethal injections?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Can a shorter person talk down to a taller person?
Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two when going to a concert?
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with there mouth full of food?
Why does quick sand work slowly?

 

[Tallahassee Kubota Man]

Keep 'em coming Daren. This one was for me: "Why is it everyone driving faster then you is considered an idiot, and everyone going slower is a moron?"

 

[bh115577]

9 Olympics Quotations: Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnaist: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

 

[bh115577]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one'.

 

[Daren Todd]

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That' s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.

 

[Daren Todd]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

[ShaunRH]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Nymphomaniac Convention...
..." Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

That is a variation of a classic joke from Steven Wright.

 

[sawmill]

Two elderly ladies (Beatrice and Thelma) went to lunch one day. Every time Thelma would say something Beatrice would say "what did you say?" Finally Thelma said "Beatrice what is that in your left ear?" Beatrice reached and pulled it out and looked and said "Oh my god! It's a suppository!" Thelma said "Well I guess we know where your hearing aid is."

 

[sawmill]

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

 

[lreops]

Food For Thought​

Ron

 

[CaveCreekRay]

Probably a repeat but...

A little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered:

"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said,

"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered,

"It is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 

[Daren Todd]

In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,

;"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?

The new convert replies, "Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?"

"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way."

So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,

"So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?"

"Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing."

"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you can***146;t give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!"

"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!"

Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and can't take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,

"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?"

"I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!"

His wife responds, "Well, if that's the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!"

"Fine, be that way!" He replies.

So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,

"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn't even a dry eye in the room after he finished!"

The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,

"You must be joking! He's only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn't get up either time!!"

 

[skeets]

A real woman is a man's best friend...

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room

She will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible...

No wait... Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.