Daily Chuckle

[D2Cat]

http://www.orangetractortalks.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22667

If you can't respect the forum rules maybe you should NOT have access to the forum!

 

[ShaunBlake]

http://www.orangetractortalks.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22667

If you can't respect the forum rules maybe you should have access to the forum!

Did you mean to say, "should not"? If so, then I agree that maybe you should not. Otherwise, I think I (respectfully) disagree.

 

[skeets]

Wada I miss

 

[Diydave]

Wada I miss

If anybody wants to read the joke, PM me, and I'll send you a copy. Apparently too funny for one in particular...

Seeing as how it IS the season,

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I bet you don't know what day this is?'

'Of course I do,' he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office.

At 11 o'clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, in his had was a box containing 12 red roses.

Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates.

Eventually the husband came home, tired after a hard day's work. His wife greeted him by saying: 'First the flowers, then the chocolates, I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!'

 

[Daren Todd]

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”


Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Daren Todd]

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

[Diydave]

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

Darren, I always liked The Rev Clower's version, of that story! It's last of 3 on this video:

https://youtu.be/-CB4Ryc_PKE

 

[Daren Todd]

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car. Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle. Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”

 

[Daren Todd]

Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!” The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

 

[Daren Todd]

Benny decided to buy a present for his Uncle Sam’s birthday, so with his older brother’s help he bought a present, gift wrapped it, and brought it over to his uncle. His uncle, knowing that Benny’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Benny by trying to guess what was in the box. “Hmm” said Uncle Sam, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.” “No” said Benny jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game. “Not apple juice?” Said Uncle Sam clearly surprised. After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again “is it apple cider?” “No,” said Benny practically squealing in excitement “IT’S A PUPPY!”

 

[Diydave]

A dog lover agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were on vacation. Unfortunately, when the time came, she found her female dog was "in heat."

She had a large house and believed that she could successfully keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing phone will make the male lose turgidity and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Why not" he replied "It just worked on me."

 

[sawmill]

Only in America !!!!!

 

[olthumpa]

Only in America !!!!!

No selfies PLEASE! !

 

[85Hokie]

sawmill,

now I havent had coffee yet.....but that my friend is.......whats the word, painful to say the least!

After looking at it a second time, scary I know - I have many more questions than answers.......I'd rather look at a John Deere than that!

 

[Daren Todd]

.....I'd rather look at a John Deere than that!

Now that's scary!!!!!!

 

[sawmill]

Now that's scary!!!!!!

Yeh, when I first saw that picture I thought it might be one of the Kardashian's.

 

[Daren Todd]

Yeh, when I first saw that picture I thought it might be one of the Kardashian's.

My wife showed me a picture of a naked Kardashian If your wife ever goes to show you one of those pictures "Don't look!!!!". Medusa seems like child's play compared to that

So, here's something that happened to me last night. Our mini moose (German Shepherd pup) climbed into bed with us sometime in the middle of the night. She's got a new favorite toy that she brought with her. Toys got a squeaker from hell, and sounds like a duck thats being beaten half to death.

So, I'm sound asleep, not knowing that she brought this toy to bed. She laid it right by my shoulder. Well I ended up rolling over onto this toy. Toy let's out this massive squeak, scares the living daylights out of me. I go air born, and end up on the floor Wife's wondering what it going on, then proceeds to start laughing so hard she's crying at my expense

 

[North Idaho Wolfman]

So, here's something that happened to me last night. Our mini moose (German Shepherd pup) climbed into bed with us sometime in the middle of the night. She's got a new favorite toy that she brought with her. Toys got a squeaker from hell, and sounds like a duck thats being beaten half to death.

So, I'm sound asleep, not knowing that she brought this toy to bed. She laid it right by my shoulder. Well I ended up rolling over onto this toy. Toy let's out this massive squeak, scares the living daylights out of me. I go air born, and end up on the floor Wife's wondering what it going on, then proceeds to start laughing so hard she's crying at my expense

That happens all the time around here, usually to me!

Sawmill,
You've been shopping at our Walmart haven't you!
It wasn't my best hair day!

 

[Daren Todd]

That happens all the time around here, usually to me!

It adds insult to injury when a bed full of dogs goes into "Kill the squeaky" mode while your picking yourself up off the floor

 

[North Idaho Wolfman]

It adds insult to injury when a bed full of dogs goes into "Kill the squeaky" mode while your picking yourself up off the floor

Throw a couple of wolves into the mix and all heck breaks loose!

And Stevie the blind husky bites at things ...well... blindly.