Daily Chuckle

[skeets]

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar
drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."

 

[Newlyme]

We actually live a few miles from where the buggy accident happened. It's always a sad day when we see something like that.


So we'll try to lighten the mood a little bit.
As Jeff Foxwothy would say....


If you have your vehicle up on cement blocks in your front yard...



You might be a Redneck!

 

[skeets]

Yeah, from what I have seen,, them pilgrims are pretty hard on their critters, at least the ones I have seen on here in Pa

 

[Bulldog777]

Would a one horse buggy be considered a 4 banger by the Amish? If so, would two horses be an 8 banger? [emoji14]

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[beaverplt]

My new place

 

[Daren Todd]

My new place

Man, I passed the redneck version of the ghetto a couple days ago. It was around 30 box cars strung out through a semi wooded lot. They had tin roofs on them, a window ac unit, and were converted into efficiency apartments. If it wasn't for the fact I was following a customer to a jobsite, I would have pulled over.

Here's the only pic I could find online

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/31447

Here's a better link

https://www.flickr.com/photos/reweston-sat/2640694414

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[85Hokie]

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar
drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."

How does one clean beer from keyboard and screen?
where does this plane land? I want one for the return trip!

 

[D2Cat]

This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

So, the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, "Well mate, I got washed up overboard one night while we were in a fierce storm. and dern me if a shark didn't go and bite off me leg."

Then the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the hook?" and the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off."

Finally, the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the eye patch?" and the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

"You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?"

"Well, it was the first day with me hook..."

 

[skeets]

You know I could be a real people person


If I didnt have to deal with people

 

[Newlyme]

Most times things would be better if more people were at a loss for words.

 

[DThrash]

A son came home from school and told his dad that they learned about a country in Africa that the men don't know their wives before they marry them, the dad told the little boy [ it is that way in every country son.]

 

[skeets]

I got my concealed carry permit yesterday. In the afternoon, I went over
to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal
protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card
reader!!!

As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their
instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

 

[Racer X]

The more people I meet,

The more I like my dog.

 

[skeets]

An Irish Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss***8217;s wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people"
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: ***8220;I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived***8221;, said the politician. "in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession***8217;.

Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late.....

 

[Orangeglow]

A Grandpa Story to Be Proud of!



Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, & I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Fancy asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae &, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your arse !"

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?

 

[skeets]

OH MY,,, now I have to clean the screen again !!!

 

[ShaunBlake]

...
Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late.....

skeets, I had no idea you had been a politician! (And it's clear why you no longer are!)

 

[skeets]

I want you to know that I live right at the foot of the cross,, I mean is it my fault they keep moving the cross