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Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet mouse in his breast pocket. Geno, the bartender, asks him, "What'll ya have, mister?"
The man replies, "I'll have a couple double shots of your best whiskey." He drinks one, and pours the other down his shirt pocket.
After 4 more, Geno decides that the fella has had enough. "Now mister, I've been watching you for quite a while and I think it's time to cut you off. No more alchohol tonight."
The guy tries in vain to straighten up and look as tough as he can with one eye closed and a diminished sense of balance. He says "Bartennnnnder... if you don't gimma a couppple doubible shhotsh, I'm gonna climb over the bar and kick the livin' shit outta you..." Just as he says that, his mouse pops out of his pocket, leans over and says, "An' that...hic... goesh fer yer dam cat too!
The man replies, "I'll have a couple double shots of your best whiskey." He drinks one, and pours the other down his shirt pocket.
After 4 more, Geno decides that the fella has had enough. "Now mister, I've been watching you for quite a while and I think it's time to cut you off. No more alchohol tonight."
The guy tries in vain to straighten up and look as tough as he can with one eye closed and a diminished sense of balance. He says "Bartennnnnder... if you don't gimma a couppple doubible shhotsh, I'm gonna climb over the bar and kick the livin' shit outta you..." Just as he says that, his mouse pops out of his pocket, leans over and says, "An' that...hic... goesh fer yer dam cat too!
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
Do you know the front of a tree from the back?
Bubba, a redneck from georgia, decides to travel across the south to
virginia. When he gets to franklin, he likes the place so much
that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an
application as an experienced log inspector.
It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but
first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the
company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a
tree 'see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it
is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'
the redneck promptly answers, 'that thar's a white pine, 383 board
feet of lumber in 'er.'
the foreman is impressed!
He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He
points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same
question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
'that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet.'
the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been
quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!
One more test - they drive a little further down the road, and the
foreman stops again.
This time, he points across the road through his driver side window
and says, 'and what about that one?'
before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, 'white oak,
242 board feet at best.'
the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. A
little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he
is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks
bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'see that tree over
there? 'i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!'
the foreman thinks to himself, 'idiot, how the hell would he know
which is the front of the tree even if the tree had a front?'
when bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it looking at the ground
and finally reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'that thar's the
front,' the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks
sarcastically, 'how in the hell do you know that's the front of the
tree?'
bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot
cleaning it in the gravel and replies,
'cuz somebody took a crap behind it.
He got the job, and is now the foreman!
Bubba, a redneck from georgia, decides to travel across the south to
virginia. When he gets to franklin, he likes the place so much
that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an
application as an experienced log inspector.
It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but
first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the
company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a
tree 'see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it
is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'
the redneck promptly answers, 'that thar's a white pine, 383 board
feet of lumber in 'er.'
the foreman is impressed!
He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He
points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same
question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
'that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet.'
the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been
quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!
One more test - they drive a little further down the road, and the
foreman stops again.
This time, he points across the road through his driver side window
and says, 'and what about that one?'
before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, 'white oak,
242 board feet at best.'
the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. A
little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he
is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks
bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'see that tree over
there? 'i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!'
the foreman thinks to himself, 'idiot, how the hell would he know
which is the front of the tree even if the tree had a front?'
when bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it looking at the ground
and finally reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'that thar's the
front,' the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks
sarcastically, 'how in the hell do you know that's the front of the
tree?'
bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot
cleaning it in the gravel and replies,
'cuz somebody took a crap behind it.
He got the job, and is now the foreman!
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Back on June 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Sawmill, you're right it's repulsive. Yet part of our society is so into being a non-conformist or an amateur exhibitionist and not offending someone it's on TV as if it's normal behavior. We live in a sick society!!
You're absolutely right. It's a sad situation when us "normal" people have to cater to all the weirdos so we don't offend anyone. The things that are going on in today's society are just not normal.
Sorry to hijack the thread.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya ba###rd! Spit it out!"
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya ba###rd! Spit it out!"
Old Biker: I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so? "
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so? "
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now